#21 To Youth Gone Past

Join me now
And raise your glass
To all of this
-	Our youth gone past.

Here’s to battles fought and won
Here’s to the road on which we’ve come.
Here’s to all the things we’ve lost
Here’s to all the river’s crossed.
Here’s to people in our hearts
-	Cruel, or kind, they played their parts.
Here’s to finding out to late
That we were loved too much to hate.
Here’s to lovers, here’s to you
Each one different (each one ‘true’).
Here’s to lessons, begrudged but learnt
Here’s to failing
-	To getting burnt.
Here’s to the gifts we used in haste.
Here’s to youth, and all that waste.
Here’s to living without fear
Here’s to the dreams of yesteryear.

And here we stand, together once more
To remember those dreams and what they were for.
Here at last to say goodbye
To youth gone past. To life gone dry.

So lift your cup
And down it in one
‘Fore out time is up
And we must move on.

#20 And, Yes, It Is True

All alone, I stop. 
And I think.
And I dream.
And, yes, it is true (though in the light of daytime’s
Unforgiving glow – when I must be proud of standing alone)
I stand back.
And my thoughts are of you.

Of course I try
To believe.
To ignore
These feelings of emptiness that, when morning comes,
Will float away on the mists of night’s last stand.
But here, in my semi-conscious mind,
They land.
And in the silence they will not be suppressed.

And yes, I am lonely.
Or, at least, I am alone.
I feel broken by those words that tomorrow will
No longer exist.
Lost in a place where useless memories lie.
But I will remember this feeling and, yes, I will cry
Again those years that, with a lifetime of solitude,
Never run dry.

The words will never be enough as I try to end. To move on.
But my love – and hate – for you remain
Ever after you are gone
Fled from my life like a stranger passing by
- or a thief in the night, stealing the light
That should never have been yours to take.

No matter where I go. Wherever life will end
I will cross vast distances and yet
Like the oceans and the mountains
I never seem to forget.

But I try. Oh, yes, it is true.
I do try.

#19 Three Years

Three years have passed, 
Three years gone by
And now at last
I’ve the strength to cry.

I miss you more now
With each passing day
As my memory fails me
You are drifting away.

I might have lived
I might have moved on
But with each day I think
You are gone. You are gone.

This pain never ceases,
These aches that I hide.
I am cold, I am needy.
I am screaming inside.

How could you leave us?
Your family, your friends?
Did you not believe us
That love never ends?

The day that you left
I wanted to hide.
My heart was bereft.
Suicide.
Suicide.

#18 When Love Did Part

Even now, as the years have melted past 
In the morning’s glow
I often think of you. And us. My love.
My breath catches as I recall the feelings
That I felt when you were near.

My heart skips its beat and somehow
I no longer see the sky – this sky –
Above me now, but the sky of yesterday.
Of yesteryear.

Hazy and sweet the smell of yellow roses fills the air
And the sky was never so clear as when
You were holding me close.
I still tremble at the memory and feel you
Now beside me.

Was it so many years ago
That you taught me how to love?

My one, believe me when I say
(Though the words catch in my throat)
There never was another way I could have lived this life.
Full of hope was my soul, then.
Full of laughter was my heart.

Ever empty has my life been
When love left
And you did part.

#17 This Moment, This Place

Don’t tell me a day will come 
When all this will seem
A distant memory floating out to sea
Lost in the mists of time and space.
I will NEVER forget this moment. This place.

And the anguish I feel then
Will be just the same as now
As the moment relives I will remember just how
The tears slid down my cheeks, my face
Bitter and foul.
I will NEVER forget this moment. This place.

Each thought will be as strong
Each memory as long
Each breath as full of pain
Each glance as full of rain.
Each second as an hour
Lost within the power of loneliness and tears
Strengthened through the years by moments such as these.
Bitter miseries.

My life in the future will never escape the torments of the past
And memories such as these were made to last.
This, I promise, is the case.
I will NEVER forget this moment. This place.

#16 At Least I Will Try

There has to be more to life than this.
The thought crosses and my mind and won’t be dismissed.
I review all the things unsaid and undone
And realise my living has scarcely begun.

Is this what others do to get by?
Look out the window, they don’t even try
As if the thought is enough to achieve all they planned.
They wonder through life with their heads in the sand.

Like droplets in rivers
We float to the sea
Barely aware of the things we might be.
If only we tried and allowed to believe
In a world outside now, in a life outside ‘Me’.

I will not give up, or lay down and die.
I will force myself up and escape from the lie.
Life is a drink and I hold the cup.
I’ll sip when I choose. I’ll stop at enough.

With nothing but hope I will get by.
Maybe I’ll fail
But at least I will try.

#15 I am….

I am broken. 
One look, or smile, or sound
With tear me apart
And I will drown in the tears
Of a broken person.

I am falling.
One breath, one hand, one kiss
Could save me now
But I am not worth saving.

I am fearful.
To cry, to feel, to hope.
For that would make me alive.
I do not want to live
In pain.
This pain
That ceases to end.

So let me be.
Do you not see that
We will both drown
In an endless torrent of grief.
Years of anguish released.

Save yourself.

#14 Facing Reality

Killing myself slowly, 
Slowly I watch myself die
Face up to the truth
Acknowledge the Lie
I have lived these past few years
Watching blindly as my hope
And my life disappears.

I don’t like it this way,
This person I’ve become
But clouds cover my light
They block out my sun
Obscuring it’s rays, suffocating my being.
Believe me when I say
I don’t like what I’m seeing.

But what can I do?
Answer me this, and I will ask
No more of you. My friends.
For this is, at last,
The moment of truth that I need
Can I wipe out the past,
Find the strength to succeed?

My problem is simple
But deadly the same
Yet it’s all my own fault.
There is no one I blame
Especially not those close to me
Who with loving blindness ignored my pain
Who only saw what they chose to see.

No one to blame.
No one but me.

I wish I could end with optimism,
With hope regained
But for me the person I have become
Is not the same
As the one I once was.
I can never be her again
No matter how much I try.
And I hope.
And I cry.

For I have at last seen the truth
I can hide it no longer.
I acknowledge the lie
In the heartfelt belief
That it might…
That it might…
Help me grow stronger.
And bring me release.

#13 She Only Wanted a Friend. That’s All

She only wanted a friend. That’s all. 
Someone to catch her when she’d fall.
Someone to hold her when she cried,
Someone to find her when she’d hide.

She didn’t think it was asking too much
Just wanted someone unafraid to touch.
One that wouldn’t cower from her hand.
One that would try to understand.

But no one could hear her when she called.
There was no one to mop up the tears that she bawled.
All alone, with no much inside.
All alone, that’s how she died.

If someone had listened, she might have lived
Turned from the past, learned how to forgive.
The scars would have healed, in time gone away
And she’d still be with us, this very day.

There’s far too many like this little girl
All are alone in our mixed-up world.
It isn’t their fault, yet they take the blame.
They die with our guilt. They live with our pain.

Maybe if you had suffered like this
You couldn’t shut out and merely dismiss
The cries of the few who stand up and say
Don’t turn your back.
I won’t fade away.
I won’t stand down
Or pretend not to be.

Look at your lives.

Then look at me.